Overcoming Fear

When I was 13, I knew exactly what I was going to do when I grew up … become a newspaper journalist. At that ridiculously awkward time in my life (overly large glasses, braces and an untamed mop of curly hair), I was so self-conscious and shy that just thinking about talking to anyone outside of my safe circle of friends and family would cause me to break out in a cold sweat.

So how in the world would I pull off that career? It’s laughable to think about the previous dichotomy between my passion and personality.

Despite all the unfortunate characteristics I possessed in those formative years, I was not lacking in the stubborn department. Lord knows I was determined to be a reporter at a major metropolitan newspaper.

There was just something magnetizing about the written word and sharing stories with others. I’d like to believe it was my timid demeanor that helped me take refuge in my writing, perfecting my voice and style.

I’d like to believe it gave me the confidence to achieve my dreams, ultimately earning me accolades as an award-winning reporter with The Detroit News before switching gears into corporate communications and public relations.

Like so many people, I’ve dreamed of writing a book for as long as I can remember. Even though I’ve always been a writer, I just wasn’t sure I had the skills to springboard to that next level. How could I compare to Deborah Diesen, Audrey Penn, Sherri Duskey Rinker or Kathy-jo Wargin?

That dream always felt unreachable.

Besides, as a mother of two very active kids with a loving husband and successful professional career, who had the time to chase grand dreams?

That’s the excuse I told myself for years. That is, until I took the plunge in 2015 (yes, you read that right, 2015!) and finished my first children’s picture book manuscript and then began another.

Over the years, I tweaked the storyline of the second manuscript because, I felt, it was the stronger of the two. I chopped, rearranged and completely started over. I finished and then tweaked again until I told myself it was perfect.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I literally followed that pattern for years with breaks to receive a lot of nicely written agent rejection letters along the way.

I began chasing this long-held dream when my daughter was just 5 years old. In less than a month, she’ll turn 16, and what started as a quiet goal has grown alongside her into a powerful pursuit that’s spanned a decade.

With a publisher and an illustrator in my corner (pinch me!), this dream – my dream – is becoming a reality.

No matter what happens next, I already feel very accomplished because while only 15 percent of American adults start writing a manuscript, according to AuthorMedia.com, only 3% to 6% actually finish their book.

And, of those who finish, less than 20% go on to publish.

But it takes time and oh-so-much patience, which is not one of my strong suits. Or, who knows, maybe it is since this has been a labor of love for a decade?!?!

What I can say without hesitation is that this process has brought joy and fulfillment, teaching me as much about the industry as it has about who I am.

I may not be as awkward as I once was, but I am certainly still stubborn (just ask my husband!) and willing to put in the work to see this dream come true.

I’m just grateful I pushed my fear aside to even start reaching for it, believing it's OK to dream and even possible, because it was the biggest reason I didn’t put in the effort before.

Fear I didn’t have the time. 

What I told myself in 2015: My schedule is already stretched thin, but whose isn’t? Timing will never be perfect. So, I vowed when I started to make the time, because I deserve this for myself. I’m proud that I’ve taken the time to reach that next goal.

Fear of the boring idea.

What I told myself in 2015: I never thought that I was truly special, but I do have a lot to say. I regularly jot down family memories or child-rearing issues we’ve overcome to kick-start the creative writing process.

Fear of rejection.

What I told myself in 2015: I’ve started pitching my first manuscript and received a handful of pleasantly worded “thanks, but no thanks” rejections. I know this is to be expected, but it’s still disappointing. My very supportive husband kindly reminds me that I only need one “yes.” It’s exactly what I need to hear.

Fear of the mommy guilt. 

What I told myself in 2015: This is the big one. As a mother who works fulltime outside of our home, I love my family time because they are the other half that makes me whole. It’s not easy to divide my time with work let alone make time for myself to write. I feel selfish and guilty. I want to spend what little time I have with them while they still think I’m the coolest person on the planet (not so much anymore!). I find time while they’re napping or after bedtime. I don’t need to carve out a huge chunk; I feel satisfied when I can touch a project a few times a week. Deep down I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because doing this for me shows them it’s OK – dare I say it, even healthy – to do things for yourself every now and then.

Those fears from a decade ago aren’t fully gone, and I can fully admit that new ones have grown over the years. But I have a healthy understanding of them and confidence to keep moving forward in this journey, toward my dream.

So, cheers to a great journey!